Dallas Flashes Back to 1997

Green dumb: A helicopter pilot discovers a field of 325 marijuana plants growing along the Trinity River just a few hundred yards behind the regional headquarters of the FBI and Drug Enforcement Administration, one of several sizable pot patches found in the Dallas area in 2007. A local DEA official expresses surprise at the odd location of the find. "Really, a pot field near our offices? Like, wow, we're, um, so surprised, you know. Like, um, we really didn't expect anyone to find that there. I mean, expect it to be there. Yeah, that's it."

A real Lady: Lady Bird Johnson dies, causing Texas bluebonnets to turn a little bit bluer this year. Again, this is not exactly a Dallas item, but we mention it because A) she was cool, and B) odds are she won't be neighbors with Jerry Falwell in the afterlife, if you get our drift.

Taking flight: Southwest Airlines founder Herb Kelleher announces that he will step down as the company chairman next May after 41 years of service at the low-cost carrier. Airline officials say they will go all out commemorating Kelleher's departure and schedule a retirement party that will feature two bags of peanuts and discounted $4 tiny bottles of booze for every guest. Seating at the party will be first come, first served.

A river runs through it: City officials confirm that opponents of the proposed toll road along the Trinity River have acquired enough signatures on a petition to force a public vote on the issue in November. Mayor Tom Leppert reveals that the city plans to refer some of the signatures to District Attorney Craig Watkins to investigate whether they were falsified. Leppert says the suspicious signatures, too few in number to invalidate the petition, were sent to Watkins in the "interest of full disclosure and to screw that damned Angela Hunt and her hippie tree-hugging cohort." Watkins vows to spare no expense investigating the petitions "unless something more important comes up, like freeing wrongfully imprisoned men or prosecuting vicious criminals."

They like Mike: Former Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin is admitted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio, in a tearful ceremony in which he thanks his wife, Sandy, for sticking by his side through his notorious years of parties, womanizing and drugs. The contrite Irvin, who has entered a new chapter in his life thanks to counseling from Dallas' Bishop T.D. Jakes, also expresses gratitude to members of Ohio's law enforcement community for not searching the car he drove to the induction ceremony.

WWJD? Not this: The High Point Church in Arlington withdraws an offer to be the site of a funeral for a gay man, Cecil Sinclair, after learning that photos at the service would include images of men hugging and kissing. Officials fear the service might convey the impression that the church endorses homosexuality, which it considers a sin. "Love the sinner, hate the sin and bury the gay guy at a crossroads at midnight is our motto," says a spokesman for the church, which announces that it will also remove images of Jesus' betrayal with a kiss and his crucifixion wearing a loin cloth because "it's just too damn sexy."

Oops: Administrators at Vivian Field Middle School in Farmers Branch are left red-faced when a marquee outside the school boasting of its being a "recognized" campus by the state misspells the word as "reconized." In a press statement, Farmers Branch city council member Tim O'Hare blames the gaffe on the work of "a cobble of illeagle immigrents who want to beesmurch our fare city."

No more books: Lancaster Independent School District suspends 254 students on the first day of classes for failing to turn in their summer reading assignments, extending summer vacation for some of the district's less dedicated students and proving once and for all that children are right: Adults are insane.

King of the wild frontier: In September, the Texas Historical Commission announces that it will pay $490,000 to a Houston man for what is purportedly the last letter written by Alamo defender Davy Crockett. The commission later cancels the purchase after a forensic document examiner is unable to verify its authenticity. "We got a little suspicious when some commission members questioned whether Crockett really would have written the words, 'Holy shit, that's one big bunch of pissed-off Mexicans,' in 1836," a commission spokesman says.

Spin, Lupe, spin: The U.S. Justice Department files a federal lawsuit against the county and Sheriff Lupe Valdez alleging they "have engaged in and continue to engage in a pattern or practice of failing to protect inmates at the Dallas County Jail from serious harm and undue risk from serious harm." The lawsuit also notes that problems at the jail have been "obvious and known to Defendants for a substantial period of time, yet Defendants have failed to address adequately the conditions described." Valdez tells the media that the lawsuit is merely an unimportant formality, and the Justice Department is pleased with the progress she has made in managing the troubled jail, where several inmates have suffered as a result of understaffing and lax medical care. The sheriff's media coach announces that he will be leaving the consulting business to take up pig farming in Iowa. "I gotta get somewhere and get my hands clean," he tells reporters.